Genesis 49 [Jacob keeps blessing his sons, and then dies]

So Joseph called all 12 of his sons together so he could tell them what would happen to them.

This is what he said:

 "Reuben, you are my oldest son, very powerful. But you are out of control, like a flood. You fucked the slave that I was fucking, and that's really disrespectful. So you lose."

"Simeon and Levi are brothers, but they are super violent for no reason. They've killed a lot of people and cut the legs off of bulls just for fun. I hope God curses you. Your kids will be scattered around Israel."

"Judah, you win. You will control your enemies. You are like a lion who kills his victim and then sleeps.  Nobody would wake you up. You will tie your donkey to a vine, and you will tie your horse to the best branch. You will wash your clothes in wine. Your eyes will be red from drinking wine, and your teeth will be white from drinking milk."

"Zebulon, you will live by the ocean and be a safe harbor for ships."

"Issachar is like a wild donkey chilling in the sheep pens. He sees how good his land is, and will work hard like a slave."

"Dan will be fair. He will be like a snake on a road that bite's a horse's heel to make the rider fall off."

"Gad will be attacked by robbers, but he will attack them as they run away."

"Asher will make awesome food; even a king would enjoy it."

"Naphtali is a female deer that gives birth to beautiful baby deer."

"Joseph is a vine that grows a lot of fruit. Haters will shoot arrows at him, but Joseph will win. God will bless you with lots of good things."

"Benjamin is a hungry wolf. In the morning he kills and eats, and in the evening he shares whatever he stole."

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After that, Jacob told his sons that he wanted to be buried in the same cave as all his relatives, including Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Rebekah, and Leah. Then he pulled his feet up into his bed and died.